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DEAR TECH SUPPORT,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?
Signed,

Desperate

DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good luck babe! Tech Support

From The Himalayan Times

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I SAY no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen.

A friend in need is a pest indeed.

Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.

Work is fine if it doesn’t take too much of your time.

When everything comes in your way You’re in the wrong lane.

The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming train.

Born free, taxed to death.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don’t have film.

Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.

Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.

I love being a writer…
what I can’t stand is the paperwork.

A printer consists of three main parts — the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot.

The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.

The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.

In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?
Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon! If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

It’s not the fall that kills you. It’s the sudden stop at the end.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so, I made your horn louder! Hot glass looks same as cold glass.

The cigarette does the smoking, you are just the sucker.

Someday is not a day of the week.

Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock. To err is human, to forgive is not a company policy .

The road to success… is always under construction. Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, but, if you think again, neither does milk.

In order to get a loan, you first need to prove that you don’t need it.

All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening or married to someone else.

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As published in Himalayan Times, Perspective

ONE day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, “Why are you crying?” The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.

“Is this your axe?” the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, “No.”

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. “Is this your axe?” the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, “No.” The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe.

“Is this your axe?” the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, “Yes.”

The Lord was pleased with the man’s honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy .

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, “Why are you crying?” “Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!” The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.

“Is this your wife?” the Lord asked.

“Yes,” cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. “You lied! That is an untruth!” The woodcutter replied, “Oh, forgive me, my Lord… It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said `no’ to Jennifer Lopez , you would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones.

Then if I said `no’ to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said `yes,’ you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT’S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez.”